The Really Real World

Sam and Theo are sleeping. That's an odd occurrence and I'm making the most of it by trying to get my fourth blog up for the week. That's my goal. Claudia will be home shortly and will have to do her homework in front of me. I know, I sound mean, but yesterday, I received three failing notices from her school. Claudia is normally a straight A student, but this year has been hard on her and on me. She seems relieved that she has to do her homework at the kitchen table. She must be tired of this year too.

I say year even though I am aware that it is only five months into 2008. Since I've been a student and/or teacher for such a long time with as many kids as I have, I count years in terms of school years. So, this one is almost over. And it's been hard for Claudia and me.

I remember being 16! In fact, I dreamed about it last night. I've been doing that a lot lately. And, I don't see my teenage years in grays like I do my twenties.They always seem bright when I think back on them, like the settings were all blue screens. Just a little too real to be real. Sometimes I feel like I fell asleep back then and am only waking up now. Things have been very different for me since I met Drew.

I am all over the place lately in my head. In fact, I think I've always been that way. But, I'm really trying to focus now. I've decided that I must deconstruct myself. Like when redecorating, you take everything out of the room and put back only what you truly want or need. That's what I'm trying to do with my head and life. But, I'm confused sometimes trying to figure out what I want. I thought I'd make a list of what makes me happy, but I keep getting distracted when I think about it.

My problem is that it is a terrific challenge for me to slow down and focus on one thing for any given length of time. I'm always imagining about thirty-five different directions something may go in. And I get awfully excited about some of those directions and have trouble slowing down to focus on what I'm doing to make sure it is complete and well done.

For example, say I was to put this on a blog and suppose someone like an agent saw it and contacted me. That would be pretty cool wouldn't it? But in reality, it has taken me almost a week to write this much and it could be even longer before I'm finished. Now, I'm stuck writing like mad to some unknown agent that I would probably hate if I ever met him or her.

And I'm planning her gender, style of clothing, hair color and tone of voice. And I'm stressing because I have to type and revise this before I can put it up on my platform and Ms. Angie Agent will be looking for me and I'm not there and she'll take her long legs, wise ass attitude, and nasally voice to some other writer and offer to represent them.

Now, I'm making a mental list of all of my missed opportunities that I didn't know I had until five seconds ago. Whew. And poor Theo is starting to stir and that's affecting Sam who is twitching in his sleep and the dishes are piled in the sink, the cranky dryer has stopped, and the phone is ringing. Now, I'll never get that agent!